Our Unconscious Biases and How We Affect Change
I was having a great conversation with one of our presenters before a summit interview, this happens often and is one of my favorite things about hosting summits. The connections you make that can then turn into friendships. I don’t think it is necessary to say who it was, but I will mention it was a woman of color, as that plays into the story I am sharing.
Often with healing work, we have to look at our own unconscious biases and one thing I have been working on specifically is anti-racism, and how as a person of privilege I have played a part in the racism in my country, and the world, albeit, unknowingly at first, but now I also have to look at where I continue it.
And... as I look deeper into balancing the masculine and feminine energies within myself, I also need to look at where I have been condoning or playing a part in the patriarchy and the abuse of women.
Thinking you are anti-racist, or a feminist comes with doing the work to uncover where it may not be true. It holds true for any minority status, I have biases in my own LGBT+ community as well, which I am also working at uncovering. Healing work can be really messy, and when you uncover something, you cannot unsee it, you can try and bury it again, but it will keep popping up until you really look at it.
This is a snippet of a conversation we had, and I am sharing it because I think it is valuable information to think about, and what part we play, but also what does balance mean. We go back and forth a bit with racism and patriarchy, as they are very intertwined.
Larissa: One thing at a time, you can only do one thing at a time. And that's what I'm learning. Also, when I try to do more than one, nothing gets done.
Speaker/Friend: They tell us we can, they make this false thing of multitasking, I can understand why it feels like that. But also, they say women can multitask.
Larissa: That's become an expectation that you're good at multitasking. I actually used to put that on my resume. We're not good at multitasking. We may have been good at switching from task to task, but even that is not productive. We don't fully commit to anything.
I'm all about breaking down the patriarchy lately. But what is our part in it as well? I recently took part in an anti-racism workshop, and she was really good. *She's a Canadian, a self-identifying black, Ethiopian, queer, anti-racism coach, and she was talking about Canadians specifically because we often get told how nice we are. But if you think about racism as a percentage, because we have so many fewer people than in the US. So, the number of incidents is much lower than in the states. But if you think about how few people we have, the percentages are actually higher.
Yes, our numbers are lower. But, we're actually much more racist than we believe. In this workshop, which was really well done, she was talking about how, as people of color it is so ingrained in everyone, that they believe these things themselves, and so they have to work to flip that switch, to remind themselves that this is actually wrong. What is happening to them, is actually a problem.
This is the same thing with women and the patriarchy. Because we're so ingrained with the way things are, we forget that we're part of the problem, and until we do something about it, it's going to continue. Nobody likes to go against the patriarchy, nobody likes to go against the grain. They don't like to be the first one to stand up and say, this is a problem.
Speaker/Friend: It always feels like there's so much to lose, I think that's part of the problem. I think back. I feel like I've always been generally in a position of privilege in terms of like, money. But when I remember before when I wasn't, when I had to take care of my family. And, there were so many things that went on, and if I was to present this and make the boss hate me more. Or do I just take my salary this month and feed my family? It’s unfortunate because we have a scarcity mindset. But also, we're in survival mode. I feel that the more we move out of survival mode, the easier it becomes, I'm not saying you can only do it when you move out of survival mode, but it's easier to analyze these things.
As an example of the patriarchy, the other day, I said to my mom, “you're encouraging my brother to not be able to fend for himself, he doesn't even know how to clean”. She had been complaining about my brother not cleaning up his mess and having to pick up after him. And I said, “I do not want to hear this again, because today you're going to put a bin in his room and tell him to take it out on Sundays”. And I said, “that's all you need to do”. Her reply was, “but he Is my son”. I was like, “Mom, you're not serious. You're complaining to me, but you're not serious”.
I actually feel slightly fearful because I turned to scan my brain, and if I don't feel like there's anything it's probably because I don't see it. I think I generally do, but now that you're saying it I feel like there must be a reason, and I should examine it.
Larissa: It is something to start to investigate, isn't it? I know even for myself, the more I've been learning about racism, because I've never thought of myself as being racist, but it's so ingrained in us, we don't recognize where it is. And so, catching those things, preferably before they happen, but often it's coming out of my mouth, and then I'm like, oh, that's one of the things. And it's the same with the patriarchy.
Speaker/Friend: I think what's difficult for me is that I'm thinking about it as you talk about it, about how to differentiate. Between, cultural, my cultural patriarchy, so let's call it Eastern patriarchy and Western patriarchy. I think there are differences, and it also feels like, there are certain things that we do out of respect. I don't know, though, what respect there is. Is it respect for an elder or is it just respect because he's a man? But that's what I'm actually thinking about as you're talking. I don't know.
Larissa: Or is it respect, because we've been taught that?
I think having respect for someone who deserves respect is one thing but having respect for someone because they're older, or because they're a man is not respect, it is ingrained conditioning.
Do they deserve your respect?
Speaker/Friend: I know that the answer is no. But I think of my grandmother immediately. I love her, but she thinks she needs conflict to thrive. I know, sometimes I need anger to motivate me, I think that maybe that is what my grandma's problem is. But when I look at some of the things she's done, I don't necessarily feel that it deserves respect, I shouldn't have to hold my tongue when I talk to her about it. But not doing that is a very different thing. Because it comes with being ostracized, or not wanting to see your grandmother cry.
Larissa: It's true. And you do have to pick and choose where you're going to fight your battles? Maybe your grandmother, due to her age, is not the place, but maybe the man or the woman on the street who talks to you in a certain way, or says something is, because you'll never see them again. Or maybe that friend or relative who you feel you can’t keep in your life if you don’t say something, is.
Speaker/Friend: You're the one who told me to take my power back. I don't know if you recall that. To make a vlog, so, I started vlogging again. And would you believe that this person (who was the reason I had stopped) had the audacity to come back and start saying something? First, I was like, how did this happen? I blocked this person. And I said, “No”. And he was like, “What do you mean, No?” And I said, “I do not receive this, Goodbye”. And I just cut it down. And he wasn't saying anything wrong yet, but I thought never again. I am taking my power back. And that's where I finally got it.
Larissa: Good for you for standing up for yourself.
Speaker/Friend: Thank you for saying that I had to take my power back. It put the responsibility back on me. so now I'm vlogging again, and I'm showing more of my body because it's my body number one, my vessel. But I also don't feel like somebody is watching me.
Larissa: What others think is not your problem.
Speaker/Friend: Imagine trying not to show your body because somebody else is going to objectify you. It's the same way when I realized that some of the things that were done were so inappropriate. And I said to myself, “maybe I invited this in”. And I thought, why do we do that when we've been like sexually abused or hurt or anything like that?
Larissa: Because it's so ingrained in us, that it's our fault.
Speaker/Friend: I was wondering that about myself, because I've done so much work around things like this, and I was wondering why did I do it. Is it because I want to convince myself that I was in control by not putting myself out there? And then I was like, no that's not what it was. I realized I was just so used to always having to say, “it was my fault”. And I did the work and all of the stuff, but the work is never going to be done, and realizing there's always going to be something else. And that's fine. I'm not going to just one day reach a point of doneness.
Larissa: That’s what I always say, when we're done the work, there is no point in being here anymore. So, just keep doing the work.
But we need to make changes, and that is one of the things I'm doing in my Awakening program, is working with women to make changes in themselves, because the patriarchy is killing us. And it's not about attacking men. Because if you look at the divine masculine and the divine feminine, they would work beautifully together. Unfortunately, we have the toxic masculine and the toxic feminine in power. And so it's just a hot mess right now.
Because it's all about power and control and manipulation and codependency and it’s a mess. But if everyone could be in their most authentic balance of energy how much better the world would be. Because I work with women, it’s about how can we bring that balance to you. And then there is a ripple effect, you don't have to go out and try to change people, but people change around you. Because they have to. Change is inevitable if you're willing to do the work.
Speaker/Friend: I don't want to say I'm out of my depth, but I feel slightly uncomfortable when I talk about the masculine and feminine energies because number one, I think I'm just exceptionally afraid to hurt anybody. But the other part is, I feel that I've only recently become feminine, or I've embraced the feminine more. And it's only because I have a partner who showed me what good masculine energy was. And I realized that what I was exhibiting at work was toxic masculinity.
I often said I was the man at the table at any business meeting, because I felt I had to be. And because I also saw women that came in with just the feminine, as you said, toxic femininity that went the other way, or they were just being crushed, because there was just no space being made for them.
Whereas my partner, I can hear him in his meetings, and I hear him holding space, and say things like, “Okay, but Marlena has not given her opinion yet”. I'm just like, ‘Wow’ because I know she wants to talk. And I know everyone's talking over her. And then she gets interrupted. And she doesn't say anything. And he says things like, “Hey, you had your chance, this is interesting. So what were you saying?” I feel like that's what I needed. That's what Sue, Mary, and Beth, at work needed.
I feel like once I was here, and I understood that this masculine energy is not about drive and hustle, and go and do this tomorrow, be ambitious. It's kind of like a protector. And also making way. It’s, have you thought about this versus this, but in a gentle way? I didn't associate masculinity with gentleness unless it was my dad.
Larissa: Because what we've been shown is toxic or wounded, wounded might be a better word, wounded masculinity.
Speaker/Friend: When they hear toxic, I think they immediately put up walls because they're so conditioned not to like the words or the label. I started finding out what it was to sit in that feminine energy. I have to sit and actually do the work, and I realized that doing the work looks like sitting together, doing meditations with a group of females, and just understanding how to sit with your dreams.
Larissa: I'm going to show you this chart I just created because I think it may help explain some of what we have been talking about.
These are the energies.
And we're very much living down in the ones that are the toxic/wounded feminine, the ones that are toxic/wounded masculine, this is where our world is, for the most part.
Insecure, needy, co-dependent, manipulative, inauthentic, over-emotional, victim, too competitive, abusive, unstable, controlling, aggressive, withdraws and avoids.
So, bringing our balance back means moving up into the Divine Feminine. As women, we can only work on ourselves. I think this work still needs to be done by men, they absolutely need this work, too. That's just not who I work with. But as women, if we can move into these healthier, more divine feminine energies, what will happen around us is change will be affected, because it has to, because we will no longer be insecure, needy codependent, and all of these other things, so this will no longer work for us. The people that we have in our life will either change themselves, to meet us at that same level, or they will fall away, and new people who are in the top half of the circle, more balanced in their feminine and masculine divine energies, will move into our lives.
Speaker/Friend: May I ask a question? When I look at this, I'm sure there are things in wounded or toxic feminine that I can or could identify myself with. But when I look at the toxic masculine like abusive, unstable, controlling, aggressive, all of that, withdraws and avoids. That sounds exactly like what I had to embody every day. Because I feel that we're both feminine and masculine that we have both of these here. Is it worth also cultivating within yourself this divine masculine? Especially if maybe, you don't necessarily have it in the form of another male?
Larissa: Because we have so much of this toxic/wounded masculine energy within us because of the way we've been taught, in our culture, and it’s a pretty global culture. Although not everybody. We have so much of this energy within us, as we work towards the Divine Feminine, we will end up somewhere in the middle, because we already have the masculine energy. As we work towards the Divine Feminine, the Divine Masculine will become more of our masculine energy because we do need the balance. We're going to end up somewhere in the middle with both sides.
We continued on with our conversation and got into some other topics that would be considered not very “lady” like. Which I think are super important conversations to have as women. We need to talk about the things that are real for us, our relationships (not just complaining), but our part in our relationships, and what works and what doesn’t. We need to talk about the emotional load that we carry. We need to talk about how hard it is to be a mother, with the overwhelm, being responsible 24/7 for little people, and shaping their worlds and their direction in life. We also need to talk about money, money is one of those unspoken taboo subjects for women because in our culture money is power, start talking about money and take back some of your power.
Talk about sex, what you like, what you don’t like, why you aren’t interested, or that you are and you feel the shame in our culture around that. Menopause and what women go through, our own female gynecologists don’t even understand about menopause, we as women need to be sharing that information. Our bodies are not dirty, nor is what happens to us disgusting, we are half the population and yet we are only allowed to take up maybe a tenth of the space in conversations, topics, or personal time.
We need to look at our own **unconscious biases so that we can affect change. Just because something has always been done that way, doesn’t mean it is the right way.
What are your thoughts? What have you not been paying attention to? What changes are you working towards?
